It seems..

Sigh.. Suddenly I feel like,I've lost my strength to continue this fight.. A fight to change myself.. Everything seems to get better a bit,well, at least my brother starts to find me for a little chat and Ying did find me for a song and chat a few words. Is better than nothing,at least a slight improvement here. I'm already happy to have such improvement,but still... I still wondering whether I can really change,whether I can really win this fight or not.. I just,seems to get tired today..

Ya know,I really scare.. I really scare to lose you all. Is part of my fear since young till now. This fear,I can't seems to conquer it. Everything seems to have changed,ever since my brother appear. I'm sorry to have such selfish thought in my mind sai lou.. Is just,I feel it so.. We seems,no longer that close anymore compare to backz then.. Back before my brother appear. Last time is still the best,having you two around with me,I really feel happy. I can't find any words to express how happy I am backz then,chatting together,laugh and joke around together.. I still remember the first time we started to know each other,we keep chatting from morning till night haha.. Still remember the day when I started to tell you I wanna go your house and play? Wanna go your house for a sleepover? How we both enjoyed each other's company.. But things start to change now and I wonder what happened to us.. We no longer look for each other to have a conver,we no longer starts to tell our problems,our secrets.. I guess is just because I emo too much.. Sigh,man.. really miss those days.. I can't seems to be close to you anymore am I? Haha.. I'm sorry to have cause so much trouble to you but I really hope,we can be as close as we are back then.. I'm not sure whether you did notice our gap or not.. I did took my first step to improve our friendship and yet,I wonder you notice it or not too. I hope you do.. I try to think less,try not to emo anymore,all because I wanted you guys backz.. but.... Sigh.. Tomorrow I'll be going to your house. To say the truth,I really did scare how am I suppose to handle my emoness.. Will I emo again? Will I jealous again? I seriously don't know the answer.. I'm weak, not strong but I do my best to help,to change myself,to be happy but it seems so difficult to do it.. I'm sorry..

I remember.. You was the encourager! Haha! I always fall down,always sad,always emo but you never give up on me,always with a cheerful face and teach me alot of stuff! We even keep finding each other for ideas where to hang out,where to eat and where to find entertainment. Even we have problems,you will find me and talk it out ( but that was you only ) I don't really dare to tell you every problems that I'm facing cause,it will just make you worried more.. I don't know why I'm keeping it from you,maybe don't want you to sad gua.. Sorry na,I also create some problem for you to handle.. Especially I trust so much on Jan them.. I didn't know they will backstab you yet I even try to bring them closer.. Sigh.. guess I'm useless to be a friend to you cause I hurt you so much.. I also know that you hate people to avoid you,yet I've been doing it to you everytime. I don't know,seriously don't know how to face you that time,knowing that I... erm,nevermind. Sigh.. That time,I will always remember it,and keeping it as a memory.. That time,you were studying late night for your final exams and I were doing some architecture modelling assignments.. You find me for a chat,from around 11 something till 5am only then you said you wanted to study cause can't concentrate much if we continue chat/you wanna sleep cause too tired,I don't know which 1 but all I remember is that,we did have a conversation till that late haha.. but.. it will always be a memory to me,it will never happen anymore I guess.. now.. we hardly find each other for a chat,nor we share any secrets or problems again.. I'm sorry to hurt you.. I'm sorry to have acted such way,saying wanna stay alone for a week.. In that week,I was thinking.. Do you guys care? That night you were in the conver yet you didnt talk much.. I was thinking,do you care for me? I don't know.. Sorry for being so weak,sorry for acting like this,sorry for everything.. Can we start all over again? I'll try to change,try to be happy,try not to emo cause you mean more than anything..

Haha.. We know each other for 3 years and we always quarrel non stop! Everyday,every minute,every second we also quarrel for same old things yet we still can be brother this long.. Is quite amazing,isn't it? For others,maybe 1 week already break relationship le but we still can survive up to this long haha.. I don't know le.. I always feel,always mix up everything.. Sometimes think that you don't care,you not a good brother to me yet sometimes I,myself feel that I didn't do what a brother should do,I'm not worthy to be your brother and wanted to break this relationship.. Numerous time we both suggested but in the end,we still end up become brother but this time.. is different le.. I always emo,always think negative,that's why you are avoiding me,not finding me and leaving me like this. I sometimes think that,you don't care anymore.. You don't seems to be serious in this brotherhood anymore.. To you,calling me gor is just a calling,nothing more than that.. But to me,it give me that feeling that we are really brother, not those made up brother.. For 3 years,I still doubting whether I mean something to you or not.. Like a gor to you? Sometimes you say I'm your gor,sometimes you say is just a calling.. I seriously don't know what am I to you.. is it because,whenever I emo,I'm not your gor? When I didn't emo,I'm your gor? I don't know.. Is it becoming your gor is a burden too heavy for you to handle? I don't know either.. I'm confused.. What exactly I am to you guys? A friend? A brother? or just someone you will find when you are having problems? You know.. from the start till now,I never consider you as a friend.. Always and forever you are my brother.. But.. who am I really to you? If calling me gor is just for the sake of calling but without a meaning,I hope you stop calling me gor when you don't mean it.. But to me,I will always call you sai lou,is because I seriously,sincerely treating you as 1.. Sorry bro,I cause you so much trouble..

Yi.. Sorry for making you worry me that day in shopping centre.. I didn't apologize to you for that and now,I sincerely saying sorry to you.. Sorry,I'm being so weak.. Sorry,I'm being so selfish.. Sorry for always causing trouble.. Sorry..





-Everyone has something they fear,and my fear is losing you-
-Sorry-